In honor of Grandparents Day, my daughter’s class was planning an event where all Grandparents and special people (for those who no longer have Grandparents or their Grandparents do not live near) could come to her classroom for a celebration. Since neither my wife’s nor my parents live close, my daughter asked a special lady from her church to attend. The next day, my wife told my daughter that the lady said she could attend, but had to get a “mammogram” before the event. Later that evening my daughter told me with excitement that the special lady would be attending, but she had to get an “autopsy” first.
I found this statement very cute at the time. Later it got me thinking about the number of times a misunderstanding between two individuals can come down to just one word. In a recent video post on Facebook (entitled "The One Word that Can Cause BIG Problems"), a former high school classmate of mine and recognized body language expert, Vincent Harris, talked about how the use of the words “And” & “But” can cause different behaviors based on their usage.
To better illustrate his point, Harris used an example of someone in a meeting describing their ideas for executing a project. As a follow up to the ideas that had been presented, another individual starts to explain how he likes the ideas, “but” wonders if they could be strengthened by adding A,B,C. According to Harris, this “but” immediately causes the person that presented the original ideas to feel that they are being ignored or what they said is not important. The focus of the conversation has now switched to the person who said “but”.
Harris points out that it would have been better for the second person to have said “and” in this situation. Instead of “but” the second person could have said, “I definitely like X, Y, Z ‘and’ wonder if you had considered also adding A, B, C?” As Harris states, the person presenting the original idea is still the center of the discussion and would be more likely to continue to contribute.
As a manager, a co-worker, a spouse, or a parent, we are faced with opportunities everyday where what we say and how we say it can be the difference between success and disaster. Thus take your time, size up the situation quickly, and then choose your words wisely. You would hate to be the reason someone’s family starts getting sympathy cards, floral arrangements, and phone calls of support before its time.
If you would like to learn more about Harris, you can view his web site at www.vinceharris.com, join his Facebook group “The Productivity Epiphany Master Mind Group”, or read his book, The Productivity Epiphany (2008).