A couple of months after moving to Columbia, I met another friend. We both worked together in the stockroom of a local department store. Soon, we started hanging out together. My wife and I even double dated on the weekends with his fiance and him. However, to me things just didn’t seem the same. He didn’t want to talk about the same topics that I talked about with my old friend. He didn’t like the same types of movies, the same types of books, or the same types of music as that friend. In the end, I started not returning his calls or would tell him that I was busy when he asked about meeting up for an activity or planning a couple’s night out. Not too long after, he left the store and I never heard from him again.
Looking back this many years later, I realize that I never gave my new friend a chance. Instead, I chose to see him through the lens of a skewed memory of my old friend. In this memory, I failed to remember that we didn’t always agree on everything. Instead, I chose to remember only those times that we did. Then, I took those memories and used them to subconsciously evaluate my new friend. Since this new friend was a unique individual, there was no way that he could have met my unrealistic expectations.
In the end, who was the biggest loser? It was me. By trying to make my new friend adhere to my skewed memories, I failed to see all of his unique and interesting qualities. These qualities could have helped me to grow as a person, if only I had been open to them.
Pastor Joel Osteen pointed out in a recent sermon that all humans make the same mistake when interacting with others. Instead of seeing each person as they are, we tend to evaluate them critically through “our own dirty window.” We draw upon these biases and distorted memories in our relationships, our friendships, our families, and our interactions with colleagues at work. In the end, we may find ourselves being so judgmental and critical of others that we wind up angering them and pushing them away.
Since we all possess these biases and memories, what can we do to limit their impacts on our interactions with others? According to Osteen, there are two actions we can take.
- Clean our window. We need to do our best to see the other person without the biases and the memories. While this may not always be possible, we need to be aware when we start to evaluate others with a critical eye.
- Practice seeing the good in others where possible. Osteen suggests when we find ourselves looking at others critically we should take out a piece of paper and write down the good qualities of that person.
- We need to be open to what we can learn from the other person. Think of how their experiences, their skills, their talents, and their insights can enhance our lives, our workplace, our projects, and our relationships.